I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
