i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
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