there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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