There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
