I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
