I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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