remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
