i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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