i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
