the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
