i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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