i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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