I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
