The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
