also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
