I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
