Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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