I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.