Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
