How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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