You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
