There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
