I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
