hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
