Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
