She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
