You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
