fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
