So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
