yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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