Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
