Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
