we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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