You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
