Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
