I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize