just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
