woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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