we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize