First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
