Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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