Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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