I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
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He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
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my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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