Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
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He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
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My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
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