I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
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Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
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What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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