i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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