Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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