in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
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I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
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Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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