I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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