my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
