Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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