Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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