dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
