Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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