I just made out with a guy for $7.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
